Renewal

September Writing Challenge - Prompt #14:

Renew

My mental and emotional health wasn’t very good over the summer, and even though I’m doing significantly better now, I’m still very much in recovery. Whenever I experience the return of depressive symptoms, I completely check out spiritually. As you know, I’m a religious person, but I confess, I spend a lot of time feeling completely numb in my faith. This scares me because I have seen the light go out of so many people, and I don’t want to lose mine! It’s hard to keep going when I’m mentally distressed, and society is hating on organized religion so heavily, and I’m constantly bombarded with messages of scrutiny toward my faith. I’m often tempted to look at my Church through a critical eye, but fortunately, despite the Church's flaws, I’m able to still see so much good in it.

A few weeks ago, our stake president (who works for the Church’s welfare department) told us about how he was able to get supplies from the Church on a military plane heading to Morocco after the earthquake at the drop a hat. He had about three hours notice. The things that happened to make that possible are miraculous, and I felt so honored to be a part of a Church that can do that (here is a brief overview of some of our Church's humanitarian programs). Stories like this keep me going. 

I confess, I’m struggling with prayer right now. I don’t do it as often or as fervently as I should. That’s one thing I really have a hard time with when I am in the depths of depression. It’s beyond an unwillingness to pray; I just can’t pray (read more about that here). The best I can usually do is say, “Heavenly Father, please accept this brief moment of no words as my prayer,” because my mind can’t do it. I’m just starting to be able to kind of pray again. It takes so much effort. There have been a few experiences I've had lately that have made me realize that I want my faith to be solid, so in my piddly prayers, I've been asking God to help me find a corner to grasp. I need to renew my testimony and get back on track spiritually.

The answer I feel I received was to study the words of our current prophet, Russell M. Nelson, and take note of what he (and only he) has been encouraging us to do. I felt strongly that I needed to shut out all other voices for a time (even the voices of other Church leaders), and just focus on the one who holds all the keys. For that course of study, I narrowed in on the prophet's addresses from the past three years. Here are four significant and repeated teachings I found (there are many more, but I was most drawn to these):

1. Hear Him - meaning Jesus Christ

"When we are surrounded by uncertainty and fear, what will help us the very most is to hear His Son" (source).

This includes:

-"fill[ing] our daily lives with His words, His teachings, His truths."

-figuring out how the Spirit communicates with us as individuals

-doing "whatever it takes to increase your spiritual capacity to receive personal revelation."

2. Be temporally prepared, but more so, spiritually and emotionally prepared

"If ye are prepared ye shall not fear" (D&C 38:30).

"...preparation is our key to embracing this dispensation and our future with faith... I urge you to take steps to be temporally prepared. But I am even more concerned about your spiritual and emotional preparation" (source).

The prophet taught three principles to help us with this preparation:

1. Create places of security - meaning making our homes, wards, and other places physically and spiritually "safe." "A place of security is anywhere you can feel the presence of the Holy Ghost and he guided by Him... and you can ponder sincere questions about the gospel in an environment of revelation."

2. Prepare your mind to be faithful to God

This includes:

- seeking "learning, even by study and also by faith" (D&C 88:118)

- increasing faith by exercising faith 

- studying the Book of Mormon

- yoking ourselves (i.e. maintaining a partnership) with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ 

3. Never stop preparing 

 3. Treat everyone as Children of God - lead out in abandoning attitudes and actions of prejudice

"Each of us has a divine potential because each is a Child of God... I plead with you to promote respect for all of God's children" (source).

The prophet reiterated that:

- each person is equal in God's eyes

- God does not love one race more than another

- any kind of abuse is an abomination to the Lord (source). 

4. Let go of conflict, and be a peacemaker

"We call upon people everywhere to pray for those in need, to do what they can to help the distressed, and to seek the Lord's help in ending any major conflicts... His gospel is a gospel of peace" (source). 

"End conflicts that are raging in your heart, your home, and your life. Bury any and all inclinations to hurt others... I plead with you to do all you can to end personal conflicts that are currently raging in your hearts and in your lives" (source).

"I urge you to choose to be a peacemaker, now and always" (source).

President Nelson has encouraged us to:

- abandon faultfinding and evil speaking of others

- treat others with compassion

- replace contention with peace 

I fully admit that I don't "know" if there is a God, but I believe that there is. There are a lot of parts of my religion that don't make sense to me; however, I don't believe it all has to. I believe that if there is a God, there are going to be things about Him that I won't fully understand during my life on earth. I'm okay with that. So as I explore the teachings of my Church's prophet, I ask Does this man speak for God? Well, let me tell you something, even if he doesn’t, if everyone on this earth abided by the four teachings from our prophet that I mentioned above  - meaning we all sought to understand and live by the teachings of Jesus Christ (making us forgiving, loving, humble, and charitable - whether Christ is real or not), took care of ourselves temporally and spiritually and provided safe places for others to do the same, treated everyone as children of God (whether God is real or not), and abandoned conflict - most of this world's problems would be solved, and to me, that means something. If I live that way and in the end, my belief system was all a farce, my life will not have been wasted (and if there is no God, I'll never have to know because I will cease to exist when I die, and ignorance is bliss). 

That may be an unorthodox way of thinking, but it works for me.

For the last several years, I have kept a note on my phone where I jot down evidences I see of the reality of God. When I start to feel distanced from Him or to question his existence, I look at the things I have written, and I remember that I’ve experienced too many things to chalk it all up to coincidence. 

About ten years ago, I had a dream that I was sitting on the stand in the Conference Center (where our Church's semi-annual General Conference takes place) when someone walked into the venue and gave a signal and announced that people would be walking out in opposition of one of the teachings of the Church. I was immediately overcome with fear as I watched people I know and love stand up and walk out of the meeting in a mass exodus. I was shocked to see who was leaving, and I couldn't understand why they were making that choice. I felt like I needed to go with them - not because I agreed with them, but because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. Then I looked over and saw the prophet, who at the time, was Thomas S. Monson, seated in his chair, and I was overcome with peace, and I stayed.

That dream was far ahead of its time, but it's something I have come to remember and cling to. I will never have satisfactory answers to all of the questions I have in this life, and I will always wrestle in some way. But I'm still pretty darn sure that God is real, and right now, the prophet is my corner to grasp on to.

In addition to everything I have already discussed, I had another experience this week that felt guided by God. My friend, Julie, mentioned that she was listening to the book Prophets See Around Corners by Sheri Dew.

I had a fast and strong impression that I also needed to listen to this book, and that I needed to do it that day. I went home and downloaded it immediately, and I was pleased to find that it was relatively short, so at 1.75x speed, I listened to it and finished it before my kids got out of school. I won't go into a detailed description of the book (though I wish I could, but that is one of the downsides to audio - I don't have a highlighted copy ready to write an essay on), but I will say that this book helped me in my efforts to renew my testimony. It was also a great preparatory resource for General Conference, which happens to be this weekend.  

It's been weird few months, but I feel like I'm headed in a good direction spiritually. I have a lot of progress to make, but I know I can do it (I've done it over and over again). I'm engaging in a much needed spiritual renewal, and it feels good.