Pretty Darn Sure

This post has been stirring in my mind for almost a year. I haven't written it because I don't know if I'll get it right. Today I'm just going to start writing and see what happens.

I believe in God.

Based on that statement, there are now fifty different directions I want to go, so I'm going to try really hard to keep my thoughts organized.

First off, the purpose of this post isn't to convince anyone to believe in God. I really just want to explain a few reasons that I do and what that belief looks like. This post is kind of for me. I already know I'm going to come back to this one a lot in the future - whether I hit "publish" or not.

Next, I want to talk about the word "know." I believe in God, but I don't know there is a God. I used to think I was supposed to know because people (especially in the culture of my Church) are always saying that they know. I have said the word know hundreds of times in regards to my own beliefs and testimony, but when I sit down and really think about it, I realize that I do not know.

I believe.

I have faith.

I have hope.

I have a strong conviction.

I'm pretty darn sure.

But I do not "know."

And I don't think I'll know until I see God or the Savior face to face.

When I speak of my beliefs, I now try to not use the word know. I love contemplating words and coming up with new ways to say things, so for me, it's a fun challenge to consider how I might phrase my testimony to more accurately reflect my belief. However, I don't have a problem with those who do say they know. Some people get tripped up over this word, though. "Know" has various connotations that make it easy to use even when you don't have "100% absolute knowledge and proof." So a person may say that they know there is a God when really, they are just pretty darn sure.

I don't know that there is a God. But I know that if there is a God, He is okay with us not knowing. What He wants from us is belief and faith in Him (and actions to reflect that belief). That is enough. In fact, that may even be more than knowing. Faith is kind of the point anyway. The prophet Alma said in the Book of Mormon that, "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen which are true" (Alma 32:21). In essence, knowing is not required.

So here I am: not knowing.

But believing.

I have always had a deep fear of experiencing anything counterfeit. This holds me back a little bit with God because I don't want to fall prey to my own imagination. The mind is powerful, and I understand that if I am looking for God, I will find "God" whether He exists or not. So sometimes I am wary and I tread carefully. I want to have authentic experiences with God, but the only way that can happen is if God absolutely exists.

Last year I overcame this to some extent. I found myself in a situation where I could feel something. I can't explain where I was emotionally or mentally because I don't remember. All I know is that across the span of several days, I felt like God was right there. I felt love emanating from Him, and that love made me feel good about myself in a way I never had before. I could sense my true worth. I felt like everything was going to be okay. I could look out at this terrifying world and feel a sense of peace because someone greater than myself - and greater than any person on this earth - was watching over us. I experienced the true absence of fear. That meant more to me than anything else - I wasn't afraid. I didn't realize how enveloped I am in fear from day to day until I shed fear entirely. It was one of my greatest burdens relieved - one I didn't know the weight of until it was lifted off me.

That's the closest I've ever come to "knowing" that there is a God. It was a fleeting feeling - it didn't stick around long, but I haven't forgotten it. During that time I had a brief moment where I considered that I had created it myself - that everything I was experiencing was counterfeit. But then I had a thought: that's how I want to feel for the rest of my life. Loved, valued, and fearless.

To have that, I'm willing to let it be counterfeit. But ultimately, I believe it's real.

About Failure and Break Dancing

A couple weeks ago I wrote about how I'm teaching a summer dance class (see #9). As part of that class, I do a short character building lesson. I try to do an activity or add something in the choreography each week that relates to the character building lesson. For example, our first week we talked about body language and how it sends a stronger message than what we say. We talked about how dance can tell a story or depict emotion. Then I had the girls walk across the floor two at a time to the music while showing them a paper with an emotion written on it. I asked them to adjust their body language to match that emotion. They had fun with it. We also went through some specific examples of how our body language can affect our communication with others.

This week, something kind of cool happened, so I wanted to write about it. I recently told you about my fear of failure. I'll have you know that I haven't overcome it by any degree. Probably never will. But I feel that it's something important to talk about with kids, so my lesson for this week's dance class was on failure. I asked the girls about failure and mistakes, and they said all the right things. They gave me all the quotes, and they knew their stuff. After our discussion, I told them, "Today I'm going to teach you a dance move that might be hard. You probably won't get it the first time. Some of you might not figure it out today. You might have to go home and work on it all week. But I promise that if you keep trying, you will get it, and you will be so proud of yourselves!"

Later in the dance class, I showed them the move - the "Coffee Grinder" or "helicopter" (and yes, I can still do this, but it ain't pretty, and it hurts). I learned it when I was eight, and I danced to "Rump Shaker."

(Yep. Eight-year-old girls dancing to "Rump Shaker." Sigh...)

Every single girl (except Daisy because I taught her this a few months ago) stared at me with her mouth agape and said, "I can't do that."

I asked them to practice over and over, and I told them, "If you keep trying, I promise it will click at some point, and you will be able to do it!"

I had two girls just flat-out give up. One even laid on the floor and didn't move again until it was time to leave. But all of the other girls kept trying, and one by one, each of them figured it out! Even one of my littlest ones - who always complains that I'm torturing her - walked out of class this week being able to do the coffee grinder (she claimed I made her get a butt cramp, and I said, "You enjoy that butt cramp! It means you worked hard!")

I loved watching this unfold because the girls all struggled at first, and they all had an excuse for why they couldn't do it. They complained that it hurt. That their legs couldn't move that way. That they were tired. Then one by one, they figured it out, and once they got it, they just beamed with excitement. They suddenly, it didn't matter that they had floor burns on their feet or that their leg muscles were tired. They were so proud of themselves that they kept showing me over and over again that they could do it! I even had a dad text me later that night and tell me how awesome it was that his daughter could "break dance," and I was thrilled to know that she went home and said, "Dad, watch what I can do!"

It just reminded me of that simple life lesson - one that I'm forever learning - that not everything is going to go right the first time, but if we keep trying, we might just get there.

Book Shelf Renovation

About ten years ago, my in-laws gave me an IKEA gift card for my birthday so I could buy a bookshelf (thanks, in-laws!) I bought a $60 shelf, and it has been in the same spot in my living room ever since.

Do me a favor and pretend this is a better photo

The shelf has held up pretty well for an IKEA piece. The shelves are slightly bowed, but not bad enough that I'm wanting to replace it. Since I have a bunch of wood I'm trying to use up, I decided to try a little renovation on the bookshelf.

I stained and white-washed some planks of wood and then cut them into pieces and attached them to the back of the bookshelf for a new look. 

Here's how it turned out:

It was a very forgiving project since most of it ended up covered by books anyway.

Here it is put back together:

In hindsight, I could have just put the wood on the two visible sections, and no one would have ever known! But it was fun, cheap, and easy, and my inability to cut straight lines worked out somehow. 

Also, I highly recommend taking a photo of your bookshelf if you ever need to empty it for any reason. Putting things back on my bookshelf always takes me hours because I think I remember where everything goes, and then I realize I don't and I end up shuffling and re-arranging over and over (during my KonMari phase, the bookshelf just about did me in). My photo saved me this time, and I had everything put back in the right place in five minutes. 

Breakfast is Calling (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: This morning when my family started getting up for the day, I thought it was 8:00 a.m. I was thrilled that my kids had slept so long. No one has slept that late all summer, except for Eva last weekend at her grandparents' house. Turns out, it was really 7:00. False alarm.

Fact #2: Since it was only 7:00 (as I type this, it's 7:18) I am now filling the extra hour with a bit of blogging while my kids watch 5-minute crafts on YouTube.

Fact #3: 5- minute craft videos lead my children to believe that hot glue can hold anything and everything. Just one more way the internet is filling us full of lies. LIES!

Fact #4: I am biding my time while I wait for the appropriate hour to arrive wherein I may go outside and use power tools. I am in the midst of a bookshelf renovation, I have another custom order for the wood crafts I've been making, and Scotty and I are building a TV console.

{Custom order for Kara}

{Custom order for Karylann}

Fact #5: I had some beautiful fence slats that I hoped to use to make some cool stuff, but I was pretty sure they had lead paint on them. I've never tested anything for lead, and I have a few items in my home for which I'm taking an "ignorance is bliss" approach, but since I'm making things that will go in other people's homes, I figure I should test for lead.

As I suspected, the fence slats were positive.

{Red = lead}

Fact #6: So sad! Because look at that paint!!! (Heart eyes!)

Fact #7: I'm starting to drift from my Marie Kondo magic, and I want to fill my house with crap again. I've made a few purchases from the thrift store in the past few months that probably weren't wise and definitely weren't Marie Kondo-esque (I'm looking at YOU, gigantic Minnie Mouse chair!)

Fact #8: But it was only $4!!! And it made my daughter love me for a minute. I'll pay $4 for love! I will!!!

Fact #9: Speaking of thrift stores, every time we go to a thrift store, Zoe finds at least one stuffed Nemo and buys it. She now has six stuffed Nemos, and they all have descriptive names like, "Fat Nemo," and "Big, Fact Nemo." I'm expected to know exactly which Nemo she is referring to, and I fail her time and time again. 

Fact #10: I'm a little late to the game with this filter, but here's what I look like as a dude:

If you're feeling attracted to me right now, just remember... it's not real. Don't let the internet lie to you!

(Also, the filter had a really hard time working with my hair. Ha ha!)

-------

End time: 7:57 a.m. Probably still too early for power tools. 

An Honest Discussion About Campfire Cooking

One of the best parts of camping is the food. Amiright?

Of course there's the question of where to go and what to take and how long to stay and what to do, but the most important and exciting question is what are we going to eat? My personal definition for "camping" is "going to the mountains overnight to eat."

Someday I'm going to go backpacking with Scotty, and imma need to take a pack goat. For my foods. Because my foods aren't gonna be cans of tuna and MRE's.

When we went camping last week, we made a meal plan that utilized the campfire quite a bit. We ate some tried and true campfire meals. Like hot dogs and smores.

You can roast hot dogs and marshmallows with confidence. I mean, sure they mostly end up charred, but somehow it works. They're hot dogs, after all. Just slather them in jDawgs sauce, and it will hide all their flaws.  

(I will add here that when it comes to smores, I am a traditionalist. Graham crackers, mallows, Hershey's chocolate bars).

We also tried campfire cheese fries. I don't care what the People of Pinterest and the Mighty Internets say - I didn't believe the cheese fries would turn out. Scotty wanted to give them the test, though. 

Scotty and the kids gave them a thumbs up and even made another batch. I only ate one fry, so I don't feel like I can adequately assess the dish, but the one fry I ate was like unto a frozen fry from the grocery store that was baked in the oven (which is kind of what it was except... campfire). I much prefer my cheese fries deep fried, like fries are meant to be. 

For one of our dinners, we tried campfire pork nachos. 

We decided to heat the meat on our camp stove first, which was wise because the chips would've been charred if we'd left them in the coals long enough to heat the meat. Many of them were charred anyway, and they tasted like smoke. 

In my opinion, after trying it out, there's no reason for nachos to go in the fire. Yet, this idea is all over the Pinterest, and no one says, "By the way, your chips will taste the same way your hair smells after it's absorbed five minutes' worth of camp smoke." Let this be a reminder to one and all that Pinterest is chock full of lies. LIES! 

(And there was no way I was gonna fall for campfire French toast. I took one look at those photos and said, "Nope. Uh-uh. Ain't no loaf of bread comin' out of a campfire lookin' like that!" LIES!)

Our final campfire meal was one that we tried for the first time last year: breakfast burritos!

I pre-make the burritos at home (scrambled eggs, sausage, and cheese in a tortilla) and wrap them in foil. Then we just put then in the coals and turn them a few times until they are heated through. They are pretty yummy, especially since the tortilla crisps up, but they are also easy to burn. It's hard to heat them through without getting the tortilla too charred. I like to put Herdez Guacamole Salsa and sour cream on mine.

My thoughts on campfire cooking after last weekend are: some things are okay cooked over the fire, but I think most things are better NOT. Next time we camp, we'll take more advantage of our favorite Goodwill purchase: our two-burner camp stove ($25). 

My Life in a Few Pictures

Here are some photos of things that have been going on lately:

I mentioned a few posts ago that I've been making some stuff out of old barn wood. I've sold quite a few pieces, and it brings me joy to create things and send them out into the world. With the time and resources I put into making these crafts, I figure I pull in about $1 an hour. It's definitely not something I'm doing to "make money." But it's something I've always wanted to do, and I've learned a lot of new skills along the way. 

I decided to use this as my "Choice & Accountability" value project toward my YW Medallion. I passed my ten hours a long time ago. I'm going to retire either at the end of this week or next. I need to eventually put all my crap away and start taking care of my living space again. 

I have a few custom orders to finish up, and then I can close up shop.

One of the things I wanted to make was a shark:

I made two of them. I sold one, and I have one left that I might hang in Eva's room because she loves sharks (she has shark bedding and several stuffed sharks).

Moving on... here's a sample of what I deal with as a mother of three girls:

My girls have the most tangled hair. I've tried so many products and special brushes. Some make it easier to manage, but nothing keeps it from turning into a rat's nest.  Daisy's is the worst because hers is the longest and thickest. It looks like this pretty much every morning. 

I have brand new, twin baby nephews. SQUEE!!!

They are so tiny and so sweet. I love them and want to snuggle them all the days, but when I hold them, I know that I don't want any more babies of my own. I'm perfectly content enjoying other people's babies at this point. 

Raise your hand if you love Aunt Brittany!

Just look at those skinny, little arms, and those baggy elbows! SWOON!

I've gone two summers without jDawgs sauce in my house. This year, we are fully equipped to enjoy summer hot dogs. We like to get the Kirkland Signature all-beef hot dogs from Costco and top them with sauerkraut, thin-sliced dill pickles, and jDawgs sauce. 

Oh my yum.

Speaking of "yum," I tried the coconut shrimp tacos at Cafe Rio yesterday for the first time, and I loved them! How have I gone this long without them? Why didn't anyone tell me they are so delicious? (Seriously, I've never heard any feedback about the coconut shrimp tacos, which are only served on Tuesdays). 

I don't have a picture of the tacos, but I do have this picture of Eva eating black bean juice from a can:

It's relevant because my kids love the black beans from Cafe Rio. 

While I'm talking about food, I might as well tell you that I often sneak to Chick-Fil-A for free breakfast without my kids, and then I hide in the church parking lot to eat, and I put all the evidence in the church dumpster. 

I don't really even like Chick-Fil-A breakfast all that much. I had to force down this breakfast burrito. But the time alone with food is beautiful. I gotta admit, it was the Coke that really made it so. And I'm now two days sober. So I don't even know what to look forward to this week. 

A-Camping We Did Go

We've gone camping the last two weekends in a row. The first outing was our ward (church) camp out. It was just a one-nighter, but we had a great time. Scotty was on the planning committee, and therefore, I was on the planning committee by marriage. Things went pretty smoothly, though. Our kids had a blast running around with their friends.

This past weekend, we went camping as a family. Now that we are getting further away from the diaper and bottle lifestyle, we can start doing this more!

(Even though it's a ton of work to go camping, and I'm daunted by it every time!)

I bought Scotty a new tent for myself for Father's Day.

I have tent issues. I hate being in tents. I feel like I can't move. But our new tent is a "cabin" tent, so it's nice and tall, and I can stand up straight in it. That made a huge difference. Scotty didn't really want a new tent, but after we camped in it, he admitted it was a good buy.

Plus it has lights! LIGHTS!! They were pretty amazing. You push a button and the tent lights up.

Holla!

Since we went camping over Father's Day, let me preface this post with a few camping-related details about the father of my children.

During the day, the picnic table at our camp site was in direct sun, and it was pretty hot. I commented on this fact, and within a few minutes, Scotty had strung a tarp over our camp spot.

I joked that I was thinking about leaving Scotty after we got home from camp, but his tarp hanging skills were so excellent, I decided to stick with him a while longer. 

Really, though, Scotty's tarp hanging skills are pretty sexy. The fact that I can make a subtle comment about the lack of shade, and he creates shade for our family within minutes is a part of his character that I really adore. 

Another series of attributes Scotty has can be seen in the way he handled this scenario:

We went for a walk around Silver Lake, and Scotty saw that someone had left a make-shift teeter totter on the side of the path. He got so excited and told Nicky to get on the other side. They teetered. They tottered. And then the log snapped in half, and Scotty flew to the ground and landed flat on his back. 

And he just laid there laughing. 

I love this about him... how he has a playful side and gets excited about things like teeter totters made from tree stumps, and how something can go wrong, and he will still laugh about it.

I felt some gag-worthy love toward this guy over Father's Day. I'm so grateful to share my life with him. And I am utterly spoiled. 

As you can see in the photos, there's still snow in the canyon. There wasn't any where we were camping, though. We camped a lot lower, but we drove up to the lake where there was still quite a bit of snow. There were people snowboarding and skiing still! 

{a mound of snow at Brighton Ski Resort}

Silver Lake still had some ice on it in some places. 

And about half the trail was still covered in snow. It made for a fun, adventurous walk.

Back at our camp, we hung out in hammocks, ate some interesting campfire food (post to follow), played card games galore (I taught my kids how to play Cover Your Assets, Speed, and Solitaire), and surveyed the wildlife. 

On Sunday morning, a moose wandered right through our camp site. We moved our kids behind the picnic table as a precaution, but he just moseyed on by.

We all had a great time and came home sufficiently filthy and reeking of "camp."

(My) Kids These Days

Nicky

• Is 12 years old
• Wears gym shorts and Hawaiian shirts
• Loves watching Dude Perfect
• Is obsessed with Paul Blart Mall Cop (but if you must know, he prefers Paul Blart Mall Cop 2)
• Wears a size 11 shoe
• Is too big for kid's pants and too small for men's pants
• And I can't find dress shirts that fit his neck (so Sundays are very awkward)
• Is very responsible, and I wish he could drive
• Always helps without being asked (but won't ever do his chores)
• Is very money-conscious and is always lecturing me about what I spend (I hate having him at the store with me)
• Is really inventive, clever, and funny
• But can also be really annoying. He's a twelve-year-old boy, after all
• Is a good writer and cartoonist
• Always has sore legs
• Is very critical of others (sadly, I think I know where he got it)
• Never asks to play with friends
• Chose to do summer piano even though I told him he didn't have to (for the first time ever)
• Asks every day if we can go to Disneyland
• Refuses to read anymore Harry Potter books, and I just have to be happy that he made it through the first two
• Enjoys golfing and has a pretty decent swing
• Imitates Gordon Ramsey every time he eats
• Also thinks he's Derek Hough and can critique dances

Daisy

• Is 9 years old (almost 10)
• Is a really good helper, but it has to be her idea to help
• Has really thick hair that has amazing potential, but I have to fight her to brush it, and she usually sports a rat's nest
• Loves unicorns
• Always gets headaches
• Keeps saying she like sushi, but I'm not so sure
• Has an expander in her mouth and will eventually get braces
• Also says she likes Takis, but again... I'm not so sure
• Loves to sing and is actually pretty good at it
• Is always trying to convince me to let her drink caffeine
• Sits way too close to the TV, and if she had it her way, watching TV and YouTube is all she would do
• Likes to be in charge of things, and I always have to remind her that I am the primary chorister, and she is not
• Yells at everyone a lot
• Makes really dumb excuses for everything, and always gets hurt when its time to do chores
• Has made a lot of wonderful progress after having really bad anxiety for a long time
• Likes to draw and do art projects and makes some really cute and creative things
• Doesn't have a lot of patience for things she's not naturally good at (she gets that from me)
• Didn't want to do summer piano, but after a week of no piano, started begging for it
• Was so excited to see Aladdin and has been singing "A Whole New World" for weeks
• Has major issues with honesty
• Asks everyday if she can make slime

Zoe

• Is 6 years old
• Is my most touchy-feely child and has no awareness of personal space 
• Likes boys and is very forward about telling them she has a crush on them
• Has lost a few teeth and has a lot of overcrowding. The orthodontist has big plans for her
• Loves riding her bike and rides really fast
• Needs to work on her potty mouth
• Wants to wear pajamas all the time
• Is pretty whiney 
• Has big, impossible ideas all the time
• Has gotten really tall in the past year
• Needs a lot of attention but also a lot of alone time
• Has the cutest spattering of freckles across her nose
• Wants chicken noodle soup all the time
• Loves penguins
• Drags blankets everywhere and refers to her favorite one as her "booger blanket," and I'm just not going to ask any questions about that
• Is so fun to watch when she's playing. She perfectly demonstrates childhood joy
• Really wants to take ice skating lessons
• Doesn't like milk and always asks for water with ice
• Sleeps on the top bunk 
• Needs her tonsils out, but I keep putting it off
• Recently learned how to microwave popcorn, and she makes it all the time now

Eva

• Is 4 years old
• Is equal parts adorable and horrible
• Has a sippy cup habit that we're never going to kick
• Loves sharks and has shark sheets, a shark blanket, and several stuffed sharks
• Gets away with a lot
• Makes major messes 
• Throws big tantrums
• Always pats my belly and asks if I'm having a baby
• Has the same potty word problem as Zoe
• Still wears diapers at night and completely soaks them
• Is very disruptive in primary every week
• Is a sugar junkie
• Sleeps on the bottom bunk
• Always has to go potty wherever we go
• Pees her pants and then tells me she spilled her water
• Hauls blankies around (all my kids have been blanket kids)
• Always says "psych!"

All of Them

• Hate doing chores and would rather cut off their legs with a hacksaw
• Are creators and love making things and doing projects. We have daily art project messes
• Want to be barefoot all the time
• Watch way too much TV 
• Love cooking - I've had to develop a "kitchen helper" chart and make a rule that no one is allowed to help cook unless it's their day to be the kitchen helpers
• Fight all the time

Hit the Ground Running

This week has been really busy. This morning I decided to give myself half an hour of blogging time before I hit the ground running. Then I have to... well... hit the ground running.

I just put in an grocery order on my lap top from my bed. I can't believe this is my life! I can grocery shop from bed! I even qualify for a free delivery! But I opted to pick it up. I'm a little weirded out by grocery delivery, but I think I need to open my heart to it at least long enough to use my FREE opportunity. But the problem with delivery is, that would require me to stay home, and I like to have the freedom to spontaneously exit my house at any time. Having to stay home to wait for people is a hard thing to ask of me.

As I am currently in bed, I'm haunted by a sour milk smell. I don't trust my nose as much as I used to. I used to be like a hound dog (with the exception of recognizing my own stench - I'm pretty sure I was the stinky kid in high school), but having smelly kids has ruined me. So there's this scent I keep catching a whiff of, but I can't hunt it down or even determine if it's real. It doesn't help that I have two kids with horrendous morning breath laying within arms reach of me. So many smells! There is no hope for us!

Right now, Zoe is my "Mom!" kid. I think she says "Mom!" every ten seconds, and sometimes, even if I respond quickly, she is already saying, "Mom!" again before I finish. She also asks me the same questions over and over. And she's very, very whiney. She is the middle daughter, and I often wonder if she is going to have some "middle child" issues. She seems to always be fighting for attention. They all do, actually, but Zoe's need for attention seems to be the most amplified right now.

Since school got out, I've gotten really bad at providing meals for my family. I'm usually pretty good at having a plan. I get most of my dinner prep done early in the day, and we eat pretty soon after Scotty gets home from work. But for the past three weeks, I haven't been able to get my crap together enough to make dinner. Part of it is the heat. It's not that hot yet, but it's hot enough that I don't want to cook. I need to shop for some "cool" food - like salad and sandwich fixings. I didn't include any of that in my grocery order for this week. Maybe next week. In the meantime, we have lots of cereal in our storage room.

Speaking of the temperature, I've been working on my wood crafts outside almost every day for the past few weeks (see #4). When I cut or sand, I try to wear safety goggles and a mask, and let's be honest... I forget to keep myself hydrated. I've ended up with heat exhaustion a few times. Last night was particularly rough, so I am making a written commitment to you here and now to drink more water.

And while I'm on the topic of hydration, I need to make a written commitment to you, dear readers, that I will stop drinking soda after Father's Day. I drank my first soda of 2019 on Mother's Day (Ruby Red Squirt), and I will drink my last one on Father's Day.

Hold me.

The first three sodas I drank were fantastic. None have been very good since. Yet, I keep drinking them because I want to relive the fantastic ones.

Last week I had to get a new phone. One of my many flaws is that I am constantly dropping my phone. Am I clumsy? Do I need a different case? I don't even know! But suffice it to say... my phones take a beating. I got a new phone in December of 2017, and within three months, once of the mics went out (I assume from being dropped all the time). Because of that, I had to use speaker phone to take phone calls, and I couldn't use Marco Polo without ear buds for over a year. Then last week, I was at Walmart buying an orbital sander (I have some things to say about this, so hold tight) when I dropped my phone, and it landed flat on it's face on the concrete floor. It seemed to be fine, but the next morning, when I tried to turn on my flashlight to find my clothes to go walking in the wee hours, it wouldn't work. Then later that day, I discovered that my camera also didn't work. I decided to go ahead and get a new one (and by "new" I only mean "new to me" because I actually got a "used" one, but glory hallelujah! I have a camera! Which I can't live without!)

I'm still getting used to having the ability to hold my phone up to my ear when I talk. I have to learn how to answer a phone all over again because I'm so used to holding my phone out in front of me and being on speaker phone. I'm also relearning that when I hold the phone up to my ear, I'm the only one who can hear the person.

With having a new phone, I've had to login to all my apps all over again, and for some reason, my photos aren't uploading to Google Photos, so I don't have any pictures for this post. I should probably insert a few gifs for your entertainment.

And now I have some things to say about Walmart.

Evil corporation... bal bla bla... stick that speil here. I know we're supposed to hate Walmart and shun it and all that... and the thing is... I do hate Walmart. And every time I go there, I seethe. But there are some things that I just have to get at Walmart. And I tried to buy an orbital sander from somewhere else, I really tried! But they were out of stock, and the closest store with one in stock was 20 minutes away, but the Walmart down the street had one.

Now here's the thing I hate most about Walmart: they treat everyone like a criminal. Granted, there's a lot of crap that goes down at Walmart. Our local store has a cop on duty. People have been shot in the parking lot. All sorts of exciting things happen there, and our Walmart is probably just "moderate" on the scale of Walmart scariness. Nevertheless, I AM NOT A CRIMINAL (although I will confess, I daydream about shoplifting and wonder if I'd be any good at it) (also, I recognize that saying "I AM NOT A CRIMINAL" probably makes me look more like a criminal).

In my experiences at Walmart, I have been chased down and told I couldn't wear my backpack in the store. Mind you, it was a small backpack that I used as a purse last summer. My purse? Bigger than the backpack. I could hide a lot more my purse than my backpack, but okay, Walmart.

We now get stopped at the door if we have anything in our cart that isn't bagged. Even milk. So basically, if you buy milk at Walmart, you are assumed to be shoplifting.

The Walmart I usually go to (which I refer to "yonder Walmart," and which is not the one immediately by my house) recently remodeled, and now they have gates that you have to go through to get into the store. You are only allowed to exit the store by walking through the registers, and a few weeks ago I watched a showdown between an old lady trying to leave the store empty-handed and the gatekeeper employee. The lady tried to go through the gates, and an alarm went off, and the employee was trying to make her to to a register, but the lady said, "I'm not buying anything!" and then she repeatedly tried to walk through the gates until the employee finally gave up and let her go.

I feel bad for the employees for having to enforce the stupid Walmart laws.

Though I really need to get off this subject, I'm still not done. No. Because I have to throw in here how stupid it is that Walmart now closes off their make-up section and tries to make you pay for your cosmetics at a special register. May I also say that I'm annoyed that they lock up pregnancy tests and condoms? And fake eyelashes? I don't even buy any of those things, and I'm still annoyed.

Now my goal whenever I go to Walmart is to get away with not paying at the cosmetic register and get out of the store without being stopped. It's become a game.

And I now bag my milk.

So back to the fact that I needed a new orbital sander.

Turns out, they have the dang things locked up. If you want a sander that costs $18.66, you have to find an employee to unlock the case for you. Now, I didn't buy the $18.66 sander. I splurged on one that was $29, but that doesn't matter because even if I wanted the $18.66 one, I still would have had to wander the store for 20 minutes to find an employee with a key.

I couldn't help but notice the $300 pressure washers on the other side of the aisle that were free for the taking, but the $18 sanders were locked up.

I can't help but wonder if Walmart is actually creating criminals. After all, we become what we are treated like, don't we?

And thus ends my half-hour of blogging that actually ended up being an hour.

We're almost half-way through June (and ten other random facts)

Fact #1: My kids have been keeping me pretty busy this summer. But not in the manner of going out and doing all the summer things and having a grand old time. They are keeping me busy with things like 2 quarts of lemonade spilled on the kitchen floor and the constant demand for help with pushing up their Otter Pops (the last Otter Pop got eaten yesterday, and we are officially Otter Pop-free... for now).

Fact #2: When 2 quarts of lemonade end up on your kitchen floor, you get to mop 18 times in 24 hours. It's great. Just great. And even after the 18th time, you'll still find sticky spots.

Fact #3: My house is pretty messy right now. Yesterday I was babysitting my nephew, and he said, "Your house is really messy. You probably haven't vacuumed in seven years." I just laughed - because I have kids critique my housekeeping skills all the time, even ones who live in messier houses than mine. My nephew is an only child, though, and what he doesn't realize is that I have to vacuum three times a day (I'm not even joking) to keep my house clean, so if I miss one day of vacuuming, seven years' worth of crap piles up on the floor.

Fact #4: Part of the reason my house is messy is because I'm in "project mode." I've been doing some wood crafts - mostly July holiday decor. I have a stash of barn wood that I've been wanting to use, and I inherited a scroll saw, so I've been makin' junk. I've experienced a fair amount of trial and error, but I'm figuring things out.

{barn wood after I pressure washed it - oh my heart}

Fact #5: The reason I'm working on these wood projects is because it's something I've always wanted to do. It's not something I want to do for a living, per se, but I've always wanted to make a few things to sell - just for a brief season. I'm not looking to make a lot of money - just enough for my Moochies fund. I got a bee in my bonnet this summer, and I'm trying to push myself to do some of the things I've always wanted to do but have always found reasons not to do.

Fact #6: One of my favorite musical lines from The Greatest Showman is "Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colors fill my head, a million dreams are keeping me awake." The first time I heard that, I got chills because I'm a big dreamer, especially late at night. That's when I come up with all my big ideas, and I end up laying there in my bed making plans and daydreaming about seeing them to fruition. Then the next morning, I wake up all rational, and my dreams are crushed before breakfast. This summer, I'm trying to make more of my dreams and big ideas happen. Hence... wood crafts.

Fact #7: When I go into "project mode," I end up stashing my supplies in boxes or bins and leaving them accessible so I can get to them easily. Then when I'm "over" my projects, I put the boxes or bins in the basement. I realized, this time around, just how many random bins of project supplies I have laying around. It's fun in some ways because I can go from bin to bin and find all sorts of supplies. I have paint galore! But it also makes me realize how often I invest in supplies that I end up not using.

Fact #8: Since I've been in "project mode," I've intentionally chosen to saw, sand, and paint rather than clean, exercise, or enforce structure in my household. I intentionally chose this week to not prepare my singing time for Sunday until right before church (with the exception of choosing the songs. I try to have all the songs chosen a month in advance so our pianist knows what she will be playing). Sawdust over singing time. That was my motto for the week. So I went into primary with just a list of songs and winged it.

I got through by making up activities as we went, but it was very chaotic, and I was very clearly unprepared. For example, we were supposed to sing "Kindness Begins with Me," and it dawned on me in that moment that I don't really know that song. I had to say, "Um... does anyone know this song who can quickly tell me the words?" Preparation is important! I learned my lesson. But... will I apply it?

Fact #9: Another thing I'm doing this summer to fulfill my million dreams is I am teaching a dance class. This is one of those "things I've always wanted to do but have always found reasons not to do" (see fact #5). I have lots of reasons to not teach dance... namely the fact that I haven't danced in 17 years. But also... who do I teach dance to and where? It's not like I could ever get a job at a dance studio at this point in my life. But I love teaching dance, and I especially love to choreograph. That's what I miss more than anything from my dancing years - choreographing. Even though my dancing ability isn't really there anymore, I always have choreography running through my mind. Scotty often notices when I zone out in the car, and he'll say, "Are you dancing?" because he knows that in my mind, I'm choreographing to the song on the radio.

Fact #10: I decided to just go for it and put together a summer dance class. I have about 12 girls participating from ages 9-13. Our weekly class includes a character building lesson (this week will be on kindness), stretching, technique, and a small piece of choreography. I told the girls I haven't danced in 17 years, so they are going to see me try some stuff and possibly fail, but we are all doing it together. These girls are right within my level of ability. I can do everything I'm asking of them, so it's perfect place to start. Hopefully as the summer goes on, all of us will improve our skills.

These Things I Fear

I've been put in some situations lately where I've had to face the possibility of failure. For most of my life I haven't tried anything that I didn't already know I could do. I've never learned to deal with failure in a healthy way. I'm horribly afraid of it. And it's funny because I can say all the right things about failure to everyone else, but the truth is... it's okay for everyone else to fail. They will overcome! Failure shouldn't be a setback. Ultimately, they will triumph and have a beautiful success story. I believe in them!

But me?

Oh, I can't fail. No, no, no. I have to get it right the first time, or I am nothing. 

NOTHING, I say!

The only way I can face failure is if I do it in secret. No one can ever even know I tried! I'm very prone to giving up just to eliminate the possibility of failure. The fear of failure has held me back a lot in my life. Who knows what I've missed out on because of it!

Fear of failure is pretty common. I'm sure many of you can relate to what I'm saying. Not all of my fears are as common, though. And some are just downright silly...

For example, I have a deep fear of being fooled by a celebrity look-alike. I used to love watching talk shows where they would have look-alikes go out in public and see who would fall for it. I remember once watching a lady cry hysterically because she thought she was meeting Bono. I never want to be that lady. Not that I would cry if I met a celebrity, I just don't want to ever think I've seen a celebrity when I haven't.

This fear recently resurfaced because I saw a series of instagram posts where people were trying to figure out if Johnny Depp was in Disneyland. They eventually determined that it was not Johnny Depp, but I have to say... it really did look like him, and I could have easily been fooled.

I also fear that someday I will be right next to a celebrity and not even notice. This fear stems from another Disneyland-related incident. When I was 12 I went with my dance studio. We went through the park in different groups, and at the end of the day, everyone was talking about how they saw Robin Williams there. I didn't see Robin Williams. But what if I did, and I just didn't know?

Am I obsessed with celebrities? Not really. But human behavior and lifestyles intrigue me, so if I'm in the presence of fame, I'm gonna wanna stare and observe because it's something that's completely foreign to me, and I'm fascinated by that. Plus, FOMO.

I have a newly found fear of getting stuck in a foam pit. My friend Shannon braved the foam pit at her local jump place, and the foam ate her alive. She had to be rescued by another mom. Now I know... I must beware the foam.

I'm afraid of choking on carrots. I came to this conclusion while I was eating carrots in the car. I became very aware of their texture, and how you kind of have to chew them for a long time before you can swallow them, and you build up a collection of tiny chunks that could easily slip down your throat or get inhaled into your lung.

I don't worry about choking on any other foods. Just carrots.

I'm afraid to be the person whose phone goes off during church. It's an honest mistake, and I don't necessarily frown on people to whom this happens. It could easily be me someday. What I hate is that it becomes an immediate case to solve. The game is on.

I don't ever want all the people like me - the ones who can't function until they know whose ringer just went off - to know that when "Safety Dance" starts playing in sacrament meeting, it's coming from my bag.

Speaking of cases to solve, I'm afraid of being framed for a crime. And being buried alive.

I'm scared of setting off metal detectors.

And falling off toilets because the seats are loose.

And, of course, I suffer from the fear of starting a blog post and not knowing how to finish it. Yes, that's one I face pretty regularly.

Currently {June 2019 Edition}

Reading: Nothing. That's twice in a row that I've put "nothing" here. I just don't feel like reading right now. I don't know what my deal is.

Watching: Nothing. What is happening here? No books. No shows. Who am I?

Singing: "We Didn't Start the Fire."

Stressing about: How to keep my kids busy for the rest of the summer.

Wearing: Knee-length shorts that are baggy and have an elastic waistband, a tri-colored shirt, and my Donny & Marie flip-flops. I totally look like a mom.

Craving: Sleep. Normally I put food here, but I'm in the mood to sleep. I really want to curl up in my bed with my strategically placed pillows and and take a nap. And if I wake up next to a Philly cheese steak sandwich, I won't mind one bit!

Excited for: A nap. Will I get one? Not so sure. I actually hate napping, but it's all I want to do right now. I hope that makes sense to someone out there.

Trying: To enjoy my kids this summer. The days are so long, and I feel like I exhaust all of my creativity and energy by 10:00 a.m. I just don't know what to do with my kids when they're home. I honestly don't have the energy for this. But I'm trying!!!

Feeling: Pretty run down. I'm ten kinds of tired right now.

Suffering from: An irritated throat. I had influenza back in February, and I never entirely got over the cough before I started having (what I think is) seasonal allergies. So I've basically been coughing for three months straight, and my throat itches like a demon. Now I have a sinus infection, and it has made it even worse. Wo! Wo, I say!

Buying: Too much food. I can't stop. And I justify it by saying, "This will be great for when we go camping!" So now I have a storage room full of "camping food," and we're going camping, like, one whole time this summer!

Annoyed by: The footwear industry. I feel like there are no shoes out there for me. I am always on the hunt for shoes that fit and feel good on my feet, and I never find any. They all rub the backs of my heels, are too narrow, have the arch support in the wrong place, or make my feet go numb.

Missing: The shows and characters that Nicky loved when he was little. Like Handy Manny. I don't have Handy Manny in my life anymore. I miss Handy Manny.

Loving: My bed. Have I mentioned how tired I am?

Frustrated by: My kids lying. I know it's developmentally normal for children to lie, but I hate it so much. Especially when I see what happened, and they know I saw, and they still lie to me. Really?!? Are ya'll trying to gaslight me?

Learning: How to use a scroll saw.

Regretting: Getting rid of my Littlest Pet Shop toys from childhood. There's nothing else I regret getting rid of, but I sure wish I had those toys. They were the original Littlest Pet Shop Toys, and not the large-headed figures of modern-day. I had tons of them, and my girls would have loved them!

Procrastinating: Making a doctor's appointment. I need to go in for a follow-up on my blood pressure.

Thankful for: Scotty's knowledge of electrical work. He has spent a lot of time in our attic lately installing soffit lighting and security cameras on our house.