Pretty Darn Sure

This post has been stirring in my mind for almost a year. I haven't written it because I don't know if I'll get it right. Today I'm just going to start writing and see what happens.

I believe in God.

Based on that statement, there are now fifty different directions I want to go, so I'm going to try really hard to keep my thoughts organized.

First off, the purpose of this post isn't to convince anyone to believe in God. I really just want to explain a few reasons that I do and what that belief looks like. This post is kind of for me. I already know I'm going to come back to this one a lot in the future - whether I hit "publish" or not.

Next, I want to talk about the word "know." I believe in God, but I don't know there is a God. I used to think I was supposed to know because people (especially in the culture of my Church) are always saying that they know. I have said the word know hundreds of times in regards to my own beliefs and testimony, but when I sit down and really think about it, I realize that I do not know.

I believe.

I have faith.

I have hope.

I have a strong conviction.

I'm pretty darn sure.

But I do not "know."

And I don't think I'll know until I see God or the Savior face to face.

When I speak of my beliefs, I now try to not use the word know. I love contemplating words and coming up with new ways to say things, so for me, it's a fun challenge to consider how I might phrase my testimony to more accurately reflect my belief. However, I don't have a problem with those who do say they know. Some people get tripped up over this word, though. "Know" has various connotations that make it easy to use even when you don't have "100% absolute knowledge and proof." So a person may say that they know there is a God when really, they are just pretty darn sure.

I don't know that there is a God. But I know that if there is a God, He is okay with us not knowing. What He wants from us is belief and faith in Him (and actions to reflect that belief). That is enough. In fact, that may even be more than knowing. Faith is kind of the point anyway. The prophet Alma said in the Book of Mormon that, "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen which are true" (Alma 32:21). In essence, knowing is not required.

So here I am: not knowing.

But believing.

I have always had a deep fear of experiencing anything counterfeit. This holds me back a little bit with God because I don't want to fall prey to my own imagination. The mind is powerful, and I understand that if I am looking for God, I will find "God" whether He exists or not. So sometimes I am wary and I tread carefully. I want to have authentic experiences with God, but the only way that can happen is if God absolutely exists.

Last year I overcame this to some extent. I found myself in a situation where I could feel something. I can't explain where I was emotionally or mentally because I don't remember. All I know is that across the span of several days, I felt like God was right there. I felt love emanating from Him, and that love made me feel good about myself in a way I never had before. I could sense my true worth. I felt like everything was going to be okay. I could look out at this terrifying world and feel a sense of peace because someone greater than myself - and greater than any person on this earth - was watching over us. I experienced the true absence of fear. That meant more to me than anything else - I wasn't afraid. I didn't realize how enveloped I am in fear from day to day until I shed fear entirely. It was one of my greatest burdens relieved - one I didn't know the weight of until it was lifted off me.

That's the closest I've ever come to "knowing" that there is a God. It was a fleeting feeling - it didn't stick around long, but I haven't forgotten it. During that time I had a brief moment where I considered that I had created it myself - that everything I was experiencing was counterfeit. But then I had a thought: that's how I want to feel for the rest of my life. Loved, valued, and fearless.

To have that, I'm willing to let it be counterfeit. But ultimately, I believe it's real.