Funky-Ness

I'm in a blogging funk. In fact, I've seriously contemplated whether I'm reaching the end of my blogging days. I've had moments in the past where I've questioned, "Is this the end?" but that has always been remedied by a few kind comments (you can try... it might still do the trick).

Blogging used to be one of my favorite past times, but I'm not sure that it is anymore. Or is it? I don't know. I do love having a quiet little place on the internet to express myself, and I love that I have created a life history of sorts. And yet, when I think about writing the good-bye post, I don't feel as scared about it as I did in the past.

Anyway, one thing I know for sure about blogging - when I'm in the middle of a semester, my posts become list-like. It's all I can muster because my brain is constantly fried and I have very little mind leftover for creativity.

Dear Creativity,

I miss you. We were close once, weren't we? I don't remember.

Love,

Britt

It may be that I'm in a funk in general, and it is leaking into all aspects of my life. I'm in a motherhood funk. I rarely share these feelings, but sometimes I am extremely resentful about being a mom. I struggle with it more than I've ever let on in the blog. I stand by my choice to be a stay-at-home-mom, but I also maintain that it is the hardest thing mentally and emotionally that I've ever done.

I'm in a self-esteem funk. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but I'm saying this as a matter-of-fact. I don't feel good about myself right now. This is typical of summer. I don't feel good in summer clothes - shorts, swimming suits, all that horrible summer attire. And I don't feel good about my behavior in the summer either - dealing with kids for hours on end and facing my emotions about motherhood all while sweating like a pig definitely brings me to a low place.

I'm in a spiritual funk. I don't feel completely detached from God, but I am in a place where I'm beating myself up for all of my flaws. I tend to constantly compare my spiritual lows to my highest of spiritual highs, and it feels impossible to ever get to that point again (also I feel like I need to get there all at once, and that's a huge feat) so I just don't try.

I'm in a school funk. I just don't enjoy school right now. I'm not feeling very passionate about the subjects I'm currently studying (both of my courses are on development - one is lifespan, and the other focuses on adolescence). I've always been an 'A' student, and this semester, my attitude is, "Meh. As long as I get 'C's I'm fine." And while it is true that I will still walk away with a degree even with a couple of 'C's, I will beat myself up for it later because I know I'm capable of better.

I've been in this funky place for almost two years now. I have moments where I wade out of it temporarily, but it always comes back. I only get out of it for a few days at a time. I wonder sometimes if it's depression, but I'm never quite sure, and I know that if I go to a doctor and say, "I think I might have depression," they'll just hand me a prescription. I don't want to be a slave to medication, and, I confess, I'm too lazy and distracted for cognitive behavioral therapy. Ain't nobody got time for that.

So here I am, having written it out.

And all I can think is, "Crap. It's all laid out here right in front of me. I need to do something about this."

But I don't even know where to start.