Change Unexpected

September Writing Challenge - Prompt #7:

Change

Normally when I do the September Writing Challenge, I get a head start and have a stockpile of posts ready to go. Not so this time! I’m finishing up this post at 10:30 pm on September 1. It’s only Day One, and I’m already barely hanging on!

Every now and then, I mention in vague terms that this year has brought a lot of change. I turned 40 this year, and, while I didn’t plan on it being a life crisis in any form, something shifted after my birthday, and things got weird.

One of the biggest changes that has come about this year is that I got a job. It wasn’t really my plan - it just kind of happened! I started working at the end of January, and I love it! That has been a positive change. It has made me reassess how I spend my free time, and it has forced more independence on my kids. However, my kids haven’t been the biggest fans of me working. Some of them lay on the guilt, and I have to not let them get to me. I work very part-time (15-18 hours a week), so they can deal! Plus, they’re at school while I work anyway, and during the summer, I went into work around 5:00-6:00 in the morning so they would be asleep for part of my shift, and then I would come home around noon. 

Shortly into the year, I found myself losing interest in a lot of things I used to love. After several months of this, I’m still not sure what to make of it. This is one of the telltale signs of depression, but I wasn’t sure if that’s what  it was (is). Since I started working, it could be that I needed to make shifts in the way I spent my time. Maybe I was just starting to let things go to use my time differently. Or maybe I was severely depressed. Maybe both. I was startled to find that I could no longer read. I felt no draw to it anymore. There have been a couple of circumstances in my life that have made me struggle with reading. I could never read while I was pregnant, and I didn’t read for leisure while I was finishing my degree. Other than that, I’ve usually read three books a week. Back in April, I fought through a book and then just stopped reading. I used to listen to audiobooks at work, and I stopped doing that too. I couldn’t focus on any form of “reading,” and I also flat out didn’t feel like it. 

I started to struggle with meal planing and budgeting, which is something I’ve always enjoyed doing (as in when I had free time, I was actually excited to sit down and catch up the budget and make my grocery list). When it came time to plant the garden, I didn’t feel like it. I did it, but with far less passion and interest than I’ve ever had. I didn’t care about my garden this year like I have in years past. I haven’t done any canning or freezing from my garden. 

I had a couple of game nights with friends where I wasn’t feeling it. I couldn’t strategize, and my brain felt pre-fried (usually my brain is fried after a series of intense games, but it was fried before we even got started). I stopped walking with my friends in the mornings - something I’ve done for years and years. This was partially because I was going into work so early, but on days when I didn’t go into work, I didn’t want to walk. I also haven’t enjoyed blogging as much, and I don’t know what to write anymore. 

Me, Julie, and KoriAnn heading out to walk at 5:45 am

I found myself constantly wondering what was happening to me (I still wonder… I won’t be coming to any conclusion in this post).

In the spring I started going to a psychiatrist. She made some medication changes - switched my antidepressant and added an ADHD medication. Another thing that’s been going on this year (beginning last fall, actually) is some medication roulette, which I do not love. I’ve had analyze the usefulness of everything while also trying to determine if I’ve been having any side effects. 

A note: I do not have an official ADHD diagnosis. I have had symptoms all of my adult life, but since I didn’t have the predominant symptoms as a child that determine a diagnosis, the doctors I’ve seen don’t “diagnose” me with ADHD. However, they have still offered treatment for the symptoms via mild meds (I can’t take stimulants because I have high blood pressure, and I also don’t want to). I wasn’t ever seeking out medication, but I ended up trying two different ones because one of them also treated depressive symptoms and the other lowered blood pressure, so I tried the “kill two birds with one stone” approach to ADHD meds. I decided not to stick with either one in the end as I didn’t notice a difference.

As a result of seeing the psychiatrist, I ended up with a surprising diagnosis (which I will save for another post because I have a writing prompt for “diagnosis” that I strategically stuck in my September Writing Challenge).

Me surprised at the psychiatrist’s office 

This isn’t an exhaustive list of the changes I’ve experienced this year (I haven’t mentioned that my hair has gone curly, and hamburgers have started tasting yucky), but suffice it to say, I haven’t really felt like myself this year. I’ve changed a lot. It might not be a bad thing, per say, but it’s been hard to not know who I am and to not be able to fall back on what’s always been comfortable.