Reading: nothing! I'm currently skipping from book to book and not getting into any of them. I'm not sure if this is due to choosing the wrong books or if it's a focus issue. My mind is not at ease lately, so my listening and comprehension skills leave much to be desired.
Dreading: loading and unloading the truck to go to the lake. We're having a couple of lake days this week, and while I love taking my kids to the lake, I really don't like the part where I have to load the truck, unload the truck, then load the truck, and unload the truck. I'm grateful, though, that I get to take the truck this time because last time I took the kids to the lake, I had to take the van and strap three kayaks to the roof. It's a little easier to get the kayaks in the truck than it is to hoist them up on the roof. Thank heavens I have a tall teenage boy to help me out!
Wearing: cut off yoga pants and a t-shirt.
Listening to: the Les Mis cast recording, but I only get through about two songs at a time before my kids are fighting, and I have to turn it off. I've been trying all summer to listen to Les Mis from beginning to end. That's one of the first things I'm going to do when the kids go back to school.
(I have a list).
Singing: "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson.
This morning I read the talk "The Grave Has No Victory" by Reyna I. Aburto. In the talk, Sister Aburto shared some experiences with losing her brother at a young age. She said, "I had received a witness that my brother's spirit is not dead; he is alive. He is still progressing in his eternal existence." I felt inspired to ponder on times I have received a witness that my loved ones who have passed from this life are still alive in spirit. I took some time to write down some of those experiences, so of course, I shed a few tears, and then I ended up singing -
She flew up to heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved one's waitin'
And I know she's smiling saying 'Don't worry 'bout me.'
Buying: school things. I took Zoe and Eva school shopping last week. Recently they've developed a romanticized idea of The Mall, so I took them to The Mall, and they thought it was the greatest thing ever. I let them ride the motorized mall animals and eat food of their choice from the food court. On the way out, we stopped at Orange Julius because I wanted The Mall experience to be as legit as possible.
I'll be taking Nicky and Daisy on individual shopping dates during the coming week. Nicky doesn't care a bit about back to school shopping, but he's excited to get to go to high school and not have a uniform dress code. I've been asking him what his "fashion plans" are for the coming school year. He still leans toward gym shorts and Hawaiian shirts (going strong since 5th grade), but he has branched out a little bit and occasionally wears t-shirts and shorts. He looks pretty suave when he dresses up to play golf (which he is doing as we speak). It will be interesting to see what clothes he chooses for school after two years of being required to wear khakis and polos.
Craving: time alone in my house.
Needing: time alone in my house.
Daydreaming about: time alone in my house.
Regretting: getting breakfast from Chick-Fil-A this morning. It tasted like it had been sitting under a warmer for an hour.
Annoyed by: people blocking the aisles at grocery stores.
Playing: the Wingspan app. I have my phone propped next to me as we speak, and I'm waiting for Carlie to take her turn.
Working on: nothing. I've given up on all forms of projects and self-improvement.
Procrastinating: loading the truck for one of those lake days I mentioned above.
Loving: the Unwind series by Neal Shusterman. For the most part, I've grown out of YA series, but this one has kept me entertained this summer. I'm waiting for the 4th book on Overdrive right now.
Hoping: for a few prayers to be answered...
...in the way I want.
Just... ya know... hoping God and I are on the same page for a brief moment. That would be cool.
Worried about: sending the kids back to school with COVID cases rising. I don't want to have to deal with exposures and quarantines again.
Looking forward to: pants season. Yesterday the weather was cool enough to wear pants, and I just really love pants. I'm a whole new person when I can wear pants and not sweat to death.
Eating: Coke. Okay, so I'm not "eating" Coke, but I am drinking Coke leftover from my nasty Chick-Fil-A breakfast.
But Britt, didn't you say you quit drinking soda?
Well, yes. I quit soda for three weeks, but then my kitchen started on fire so I had to go to Maverik and get a Vanilla Coke.
Struggling with: self-worth. I don't want to seem dramatic or anything, so I don't usually express these feelings on the internet (plus it's embarrassing, frankly), but I feel a bit "unseen" and worthless right now. I know better. But that doesn't change the underlying notion that I have no value.
Thinking about: a conversation I had yesterday that just isn't sitting well with me.
Learning: how to love people better.
Enjoying: the last two weeks of summer break. Now that the end is so close, I feel like I can relax a little and enjoy spending time with my kids.
Feeling: sweaty.
Grateful for: good listeners.
I feel "unseen" nearly all of the time and have for years. It's weird, though, because I've actually kind of gotten used to it - finally. (It was a lot harder on me when I was your age.) Your brain can't tell your heart how it feels, though, so I understand how hard it can be. People can tell you you aren't worthless, but it doesn't mean anything if you don't believe them.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your blog very much and often feel you're a bit of a kindred spirit.
I am medicated and it's helped immensely. My brain chemicals are out of whack and that's not my fault - just as much as it's not your fault if that's what your issue is.
I think there are more people than you think who struggle just like you do. I know it's only so hard because you (we) have such high expectations. Sometimes we aren't very good about accepting being human. I hope you can be kind to yourself and take some pressure off.