Nurturing Your Personal Dedication to Marriage

"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

I'm a sarcastic person. It turns out sarcasm isn't the best quality to have in a marriage. In fact, marriage expert, John Gottman, includes sarcasm as a trait of contempt, one of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" that lead to the downfall of a relationship (read more of my experience with Gottman's work here).

Since I'm sarcastic, when Scotty tells me he loves me, I sometimes respond with, "Good, because it would cost too much money for us to get divorced."

(This is a mild example. I promise, I'm capable of much more!)

Even though sarcasm may be a problem in marriage, I give myself a pat on the back because that statement is also a declaration of my commitment to Scotty. You see, there are two types of commitment:

1. Constraint commitment, which keeps couples together out of obligation. For example, a couple may stay together because of social pressure, the high cost of divorce, or for the sake of the children.

2. Personal dedication, which is an intentional desire to stay in a marriage.This type of commitment is an investment in your partner's welfare and links marriage to your personal goals. With this type of commitment, you stay married because... well... you want to.

So, you see, I'm making a statement about our constraint commitment when I say that we have to stay married because divorce is too expensive. Fortunately, that's not the sole reason Scotty and I stay married. We are both very dedicated to our marriage, and we have a strong desire to be together.

Both types of commitment, constraint commitment and personal dedication, are important. "Constraint commitment is helpful for the stability of a relationship, and couples can lean on it to weather the storms that are a part of every marriage. However, personal dedication is essential for fulfillment in marriage" (Duncan and Zasukha, 2012). 

So, while every relationship sometimes relies on constraint commitment during times of difficulty, the ideal commitment involves a sincere desire to be married, and the best way to achieve this is to take conscious actions to nurture your personal dedication to your spouse. There are many ways this can (and should) be done, and I'm quickly going to suggest two:

The first is to make an effort to adapt your behaviors and attitudes for the good of the relationship. Blaine Fowers, a marriage scholar, observed that one of the best ways for a person to have a good marriage is to be a good person (2000).

Efforts in self-change may include learning to resolve differences in healthy ways, working on patience, letting go of unrealistic expectations, making adaptions to the way you spend your time, or, perhaps, being a little less sarcastic.

This action is about what you can do to enhance your commitment. The key term is "self"-change, not "spouse"-change.

Along with that, the second commitment-based action I recommend is to avoid focusing on the flaws of your spouse.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it" (2003).

It's probably no surprise to you that criticism is another of John Gottman's "four horsemen of the apocalypse." Criticism does terrible things in a marriage and can be a very difficult habit to break (I know from experience. Sometimes I worry that my tombstone will read: "Here lies Brittany, who never passed an opportunity to point out what someone else was doing wrong").

Gottman and his associates determined in a nine-year longitudinal study that positive emotions are a predictor of marital stability. They encourage a five to one ratio of positive to negative interactions (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, and Swanson, 1998).

It's imperative to our marital commitments that we continually acknowledge the good qualities in our spouses. For some, it comes naturally, but for others, such as myself, there's some self-change required.

We're all imperfect, and we marry imperfect people. There are times when our imperfect marriages will survive simply because of constraint commitment, but we can all do things to tip the scales in favor of personal dedication to marriage. A great place to start is by seeking out what you might change in yourself, then amplify that process by seeking for the good in your spouse.

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This post was inspired by "Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage ," by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarthy Zasukha published in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, 2012. This piece of writing is part of my Family Proclamation project for FAML 100 at Brigham Young University Idaho.