Heidikins shared this article from the New York Times, which I found very interesting. It discusses why we have a harder time making friends as we get older. Some of those reasons make me want to slap my forehead and say "duh!"
- Our priorities have changed
- We are focused more on careers or family
- We become pickier about who we surround ourselves with
- We are less emotionally available to others
- We have children
It makes perfect sense, and, to my relief, the article also discusses the matter of differences in lifestyle, which is something I have been concerned about. I've always worried that when our differences keep us from maintaining a steady friendship, it's because I'm too judgmental, unloving, and "stuck in my ways." I've thought for a long time that if I loved everyone for who they are, I wouldn't have a hard time making friends. But there's something to be said for compatibility. While I should be kind and loving toward everyone, I don't have to have a close friendship with everyone. My closest friendships should be with people I'm compatible with, and there's really nothing wrong with that.
Another part of the article I appreciated was the mention of "situational friends." This is where the problem with differences can be eliminated to an extent; rather than having a lot of "best friends," we tend to make friends for specific areas of our lives.
This is very true for me. I have book friends, like Becky, Amy, Apryl, Isabel, and Jeanette. We are all in very different stages of life and have very different tastes in hobbies, but we are brought together by books.
I have board game friends - those who like to play Risk on the weekends.
I have mom friends with appropriately aged children to have play dates with.
I have t-ball friends who sign their kids up to play on the same team as Nicky.
I have church friends to sit by at Relief Society and chat with on Sundays.
Having friends for certain aspects of our lives makes it less of a problem when differences creep in because there is common ground that bonds us, and that is wherein the relationship lies. That might not mean long heart-felt phonecalls, shoulders to cry on, or girls' nights out, but those are elements of friendship that can't be forced, and maybe someday they will happen, and they will be worth waiting for. For now, though, I will be grateful for my situational friendships, and I won't worry so much when I extend an invitation to someone and fail to exchange best friend bracelets.
I didn't get a chance to comment on your previous post, but I certainly identify with what you wrote. I feel like I'm frequently the one to plan things and invite others, which I love doing most of the time, but it also gets tiring. And sometimes, when I plan activity after activity, I feel as though I come across as desperate. But I like to make things happen, I like to have new experiences, and I'd rather not do all of it alone.
ReplyDeleteI have good friends but not best friends. 90% of me says that I'm past the point of needing roommates and BFFs to spend every weekend with, but a small part of me thinks it would be nice to know that I'll have people to hang out with Friday night, whether or not I've taken the time to plan something.
Also, I totally agree with the thought that you don't have to want to be friends with everyone. Yes, you should be kind to everyone, but honestly there are just some people that I would rather not spend a lot of time with. And I think that should be okay.
ReplyDeleteI definitely can relate to the "situational friends." I have some people I call for one thing, and completely different people for another thing. And I also think I am the situational friend for somethings, and not for others, and that seems to work out quite well.
ReplyDeleteLove this mini-series on having friends/being friends.
xox
I liked hearing about friendships. It is so true. I worry about it sometimes too, but really, it's okay to have situational friends. And...I just think girls are more needy when it comes to needing friends. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletePeople have invited me over and I haven't reciprocated. It doesn't mean I don't like them. In fact, I mostly just get busy and don't get around to doing it. It's not you, it's just busyness and people (like me) not being thoughtful enough. Instead of waiting for reciprocation, maybe after a time, you could invite the same person over to do it again and see if they excitedly say "yes". You might be surprised! I like your current post. Believe in yourself because you are wonderful.
ReplyDelete