Save My Armpits

Remember how I'm 39 weeks pregnant? Well, I am committed to blogging about something other than that today. The problem is, the only other thing on my mind right now is armpits.

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(I bet you're glad you stopped by today, eh? Who wouldn't want to miss this?)

(By the way, that is not me).

(My Deodorant Application Face is a lot less... pleasant).

So... my armpits. They have been bugging me for years.

But before I get into the disgusting aspects of my armpits (hold onto your seats!), let me first tell you something awesome about them: I grow very little armpit hair.

I know this to be a blessing because I spent my younger years dancing, and I observed many other girls stressing over armpit hair right before performances. A lot of girls on the dance team had to shave their armpits before going on stage regardless of having shaved that morning. I never had to worry about that. Worst case scenario, I would have a single, blond piece of stubble.

Nowadays, things are pretty much the same hair-wise.

Unfortunately, I am plagued by other armpit issues. For one, I sweat a lot. I've used Drysol (a prescription deodorant) off and on for about eight years. I mostly use it for special events (you know, like wearing gray) because it's too rough for everyday use (it basically makes me want to claw my armpits off). Secondly, I have a really ugly skin tag in my right armpit. I told my dermatologist about it once, and he said, "I can remove it, but insurance won't cover it, so you might as well do it yourself at home." I kind of hate my dermatologist, and I get stressed out in his office and fail to ask the right questions, so when I got home, it dawned on me that I should have at least had him look at it to confirm that it really is a skin tag. Even if it is, though, I can't just go at it with scissors, considering a skin tag is a TUMOR and all (benign, but still...) so it's been there for about nine years.

Another problem with my armpits is that I get really awful deodorant build-up. I started noticing the build-up a few years ago while I was staying at a hotel. I was in the shower using free hotel soap to wash, and something weird was going on in my armpits. The soap was balling up and turning sticky, and it left a weird film on my fingers when I tried rubbing it off. I'm no scientist, but I'm thinking this had something to do with an ingredient in the soap not getting along with an ingredient in my deodorant.  Anyway, I realized after a week of using free hotel soap that my deodorant never washed off. After coming home, I didn't have the same problem with my soap balling up and turning sticky, but I could tell that my home soap wasn't washing my deodorant off either. If I scratched my armpits with my fingernails, a ton of nasty white film would come off, but I couldn't scrub it off with soap and a loofah. Thus began my long journey to solve my deodorant problem.

I first tried changing soaps. I thought a higher quality soap might help wash the deodorant off. Nope.

I then tried switching to a higher quality deodorant (I tried five or six different brands). Nope. Then I tried eliminating an anti-perspirant. Nope. Then I tried switching to an all-natural deodorant (still without anti-perspirant). Nope.

Then I started googling. Turns out, there is very little information out there about this problem. I came across a few discussions online, and there seems to be a great divide between the people with deodorant build-up and the people without. The people with it basically feel like nothing works, and the people without it think the people with it are all disgusting fools who can't seem to buy the right product and/or wash themselves properly.

I did find a few recommendations to help with the problem. Here are some of the things I've tried (besides changing products a million times):

• Soaking armpits in baking soda paste 
• Washing with baby shampoo
• Washing with castile soap
• Scrubbing with rubbing alcohol
• Using men's deodorant
• Scrubbing with an exfoliating pad

I found that using the exfoliating pad and a good soap and wearing an anti-perspirant as infrequently as possible helped with the build-up problem a lot. I also continue using baking soda paste every now and then when I feel extra gross.

The remaining problem is that my armpits are BLACK! And this is where I need to call on the mighty internets to SAVE MY ARMPITS!

I wear a lot of black, and I sweat, so my shirts make my armpits dark, and I HATE IT! No matter what I've tried, I can not get the black out! I thought this was because of the deodorant build-up, and that, if I could get that under control, the black armpits would automatically go away, but NOT SO.

Again with the googling, and I haven't found a solution that I haven't already tried. 

So tell me... do you have this problem? Do you have a solution? Can you SAVE MY ARMPITS?

And most importantly...

Will you still be my friend even though you know WAY TOO MUCH about my armpits?