How to Take a Nap: A Tutorial for Moms

Step 1: Send Kid A to the park with his friends.

Step 2: Text Kid B and tell her you’re going to take a nap, and if she comes home during the next hour, she needs to come in quietly through the garage.

Step 3: Put a TV in Kid C’s room. Give her a water bottle and a snack with permission to eat in her bed! 

Step 4: Tell Kid C that if she let’s you sleep for one hour and doesn’t bother you, she can have Easter candy when you wake up.

Step 5: Make Kid D a sandwich. Give her milk and an electronic device with Disney+. Tell her the longer she lets you sleep, the longer she gets to watch shows! 

Step 6: Review emergency clause outlining acceptable reasons you may be woken (someone is bleeding profusely, someone is missing a limb, someone is not breathing, something is on fire, someone is at the door with free food). 

Step 7: Text husband at work:

“Nap. Leave me alone.”

Step 8: Turn phone on silent.

Step 9: Tuck yourself in your best blankie.

Step 10: Fall asleep.

Step 11: Spent 90 seconds in sweet slumber before the first kid barges in the room and wakes you up.

Step 12: Remind child of emergency clause and Easter candy bribe.

Step 14: Go back to sleep for 90 more seconds.

Step 15: Repeat steps 10-12 for 18 years or more.