I want this endeavor to change me - to fix me, if you will, but I've found that most of the time, I don't see big results from scripture study. I think most of the blessings and improvements that come from reading the scriptures are small and happen over time with consistent effort. I want to be able to see some sort of results, so each month, on Fast Sunday, I fill out a self-assessment. It has 22 statements regarding different areas of my life I want to improve, and I rate myself on a 1-10 scale. I haven't yet compared my assessment from one month to the other. I'm going to look at all the data at the end of the year. I've done four assessments so far, and I already know that I'm in a pattern of "rise and drop." Even though there are drops from month to month, I hope that over time, I drop less so I make a climb overall.
I read a great analogy in a not-great book last night. The writer was talking about how we are swimming up stream with so much pushing back against us. She said that it doesn't matter how far down the stream we are as long as we are still swimming in the right direction. It's better to be further down the stream and still going the right direction than to be up the stream lickety split and end up going the wrong way. We develop strength as we keep pushing through.
Regardless of my poor summary, it made a lot of sense to me when I read it.
The first month of my resolution went very well, as one might expect, since I was highly motivated. I studied the scriptures every day as well as other material (manuals, conference talks, BYU speeches, etc). I felt really good - I had the Spirit with me, and I was growing and improving in many ways. Then February hit. I continued studying daily, but the magic wore off, and I regressed in some areas. I felt like the benefits of studying the scriptures were less noticeable, and I missed about two days of study in February.
(I will never be one of those people who can say something like, "I've read from the Book of Mormon every day for fifty years." I will always have days where I forget).
The regression is nothing new to me and nothing unexpected, so I was excited for March because I could start fresh again. March was okay. I studied most days and missed a few. Overall, I didn't feel highly affected by my efforts - but I stuck with it.
Now it's April, and I'm still sticking with it. I've been reading from the Book of Mormon every day, and then I try to study something from our recent General Conference. I'll be honest, I don't feel like anything amazing is happening, but I also know how Satan works, and I know that's exactly how he wants me to feel. So I'm going to keep going. I'm sure there are blessings and benefits that I'm just not aware of, and perseverance is key.
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