The Frumpy Moms Guide to Social Belonging

A few weeks ago I clicked on a link someone shared on facebook that went to a blog post that talked about the division between the moms at school drop off. The blog post basically separated moms into two groups - those who get ready in the morning and those who don't. It talked about how the "done up" moms all flock together and chat while the "frumpy" moms are all in survival mode and stay in their cars and feel isolated.

I both related to the post and loathed the post at the same time. It was written by someone who groups herself with the "frumpy" moms, and she took on the position of somewhat shaming the "done up" moms while also totally comparing herself to them.

I related to it because I'm one of the "frumpy" moms, at least in terms of getting ready in the morning. Unless I have something really important going on that day, I don't do my hair or make-up, and I'm usually in workout clothes or something pajama-like (and trust me... it has nothing to do with actually working out). I'm always in survival mode, and I often feel like I'm hanging off a cliff by my pinkie. I'm frequently in a condition where I prefer for people to not see me.

But I loathed the post, too, because I didn't like the way the writer labeled herself and the other moms. She divided mothers by us and them, and she wasn't interested in closing the gap. All of the thoughts she expressed in the post were based in her own assumptions - assumptions about the women she was separating herself from. Assumptions that they don't "get" her and that their lives aren't hard.

I'm guilty of it, too, of course. I've looked at mothers and grouped them by types. I drop off kids at school, and I'm well aware that there are moms who are dolled up to the nines and moms who won't even brush their teeth until 3:00 p.m... if they are lucky. I know that there are workout moms and working moms and volunteer moms and rich moms and poor moms. I've put them in groups. I've given them labels.

And I've made the mistake of not talking to another mom because I assumed there was some difference between us that made us incompatible in some way.

In fact, here's an example. A confession of something I did that was kind of horrible...

A few months ago, I was at a restaurant with my family, and I saw a friend of mine from high school. Not just any friend - one of my best friends. We haven't kept in touch very well since we graduated because she lives out of state and doesn't use social media. She was here visiting, I assume. Anyway, I saw her from across the restaurant, and I didn't go talk to her.

I didn't talk to her because...

Because...

Because she was skinny.

And I have put on 75 pounds since high school.

So because of this difference, her being skinny and me being, well... a little on the thick side, I didn't go talk to her.

I allowed some delusion of a division between us based on the physical conditions of our bodies to keep me from talking to someone who was once one of my closest friends.

Dumb.

Shortly after that, I had another experience that was quite the opposite.

I was at the grocery store early in the morning. It was the day after Eva had gotten stitches in her forehead. I was tired and unshowered. I had greasy hair and zits all over my face. I was wearing a baggy t-shirt, ten-year-old yoga pants that were covered in paint, and hot pink sequin slippers. The child in my cart looked just as disheveled as I was.

I ran into an acquaintance there, one who is a "done up" mom. This woman never has a hair out of place. She is absolutely pristine, always. My initial thought was, "Oh no!" because we made eye contact, and there was no dodging her (Would I have dodged her if I'd had the chance? Maybe. Probably).

We stopped and chatted, and guess what! It was great. I had no reason to avoid her other than my own distorted thoughts. She was kind and friendly, and we had a nice exchange. I left feeling grateful that I'd talked to her.

Shortly after that, she contacted me to ask for my help with something, which proved that just because a mom is "done up" doesn't mean that she doesn't have problems or hardships. "Done up" moms and "frumpy" moms can be friends! They can help each other out!

For my internship, I had to read a book by Kelly McGonigal called The Upside of Stress (I recommend it - it deals with so much more than stress. It's a great book for coping with adversity in many forms).

The book talks about some of the research of a psychologist named Greg Walton, who focused on mindset intervention. One of his intervention topics was social belonging. He would go to an Ivy League school campus and talk to the students briefly, giving them the message that if they felt they didn't belong, they weren't alone. This simple intervention showed improvement in academic performance, physical health, and overall happiness over the following three years in the students compared to those who did not receive the intervention.

The point is - feeling like you don't belong is a widespread experience, but we tend to think we are alone in it. Our interpretations of conversations, setbacks, and misunderstandings can be viewed as evidence that we don't belong. What we sometimes fail to see is that almost everyone feels that way. So it's not just the "frumpy" mom in the van at school drop off. Chances are, some of those "done up" moms standing in a group feel the same way.

I think we excuse ourselves from reaching out to others because we feel we don't belong, but if we recognize that everyone feels left out or disconnected at times, we can connect better with each other. So let's not look at the differences between ourselves and other women and make assumptions about who fits in and who doesn't. Someone can appear to have a rich social life and still feel incredibly lonely inside.

Let's not allow our grooming process to dictate who we connect with.

Get out of the van. Say hi. Smile. Work that greasy updo.