The Threat

I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to overcome the same, old things without much success.

There are character traits that I want to change. I want to be less jealous, less easily annoyed, and less judgmental. I want to be a better listener, and I want to have the gift of making people feel they are valued.

There are habits I want to change. I want to stop eating my emotions. I want to stop getting sidetracked on the internet and stop being consumed by my phone. I want to cease being idle. I want to keep up on laundry and housekeeping.

There are parenting skills I want to acquire. I want to have better relationships with my children. I want to see them as God sees them and love them unconditionally. I want to stop yelling and stop using psychological control to manipulate their behavior. I want to effectively teach them, and I want to trust them.

There is knowledge I want to gain. I want to truly know, understand, and apply the scriptures in my life. I want to be familiar with the teachings of the prophets, both modern-day and of old. I want to internalize everything I learn on every subject, both secular and spiritual.

I feel like I'm incapable of change because I see very little progress. Day to day, I struggle with the same things. I resort to the same sins, the same failures, and the same bad habits.

I've often asked Heavenly Father through prayer how I can become capable of change, and the answer always comes to me through Boyd K. Packer's quote, "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."

I get it. I do. For me, the answer will always be...

STUDY YOUR SCRIPTURES!

And I do.

But the problem is, I always go in bouts or I study for a lesson or a school assignment. I don't study for myself as often as I should.

Lately I've been really hard on myself, and the funny thing is, if a friend of mine felt about herself the way I feel about myself, I would tell her to stop. I would tell her that she's not giving herself enough credit. I would tell her about all of the things I see her do that are amazing. I would say, "Please don't talk about my friend that way." I would do anything I could think of to help her see her worth because I don't want my friend to think that she isn't good enough.

Why is it that I won't let a friend be hard on herself, but I have no problem running myself into the ground?

It's Satan, of course. Every time he whispers in my ear, I fall for it. I know it's Satan, and I still let it happen. I let him convince me that I'll never be enough. That people don't like me. That I'm doing everything wrong. I let him walk all over me.

The fact that he's working so hard on me must mean that I'm a threat. If I were to feel good about myself, there's no telling what I might accomplish and who I might drag a long for the ride. I need remember this as I meddle through life.

I'm a threat.