"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and
righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life
and protection for their families."
Nine years ago, when we welcomed our first child, Nicky, into the world, I immediately noticed how attractive fatherhood made Scotty.
I mean, there was this man I was already deeply fond of, and he was holding a baby! And there was all this love emanating from him. Sure, he had no clue what he was doing, and his fears were palpable, but wow! There was all sorts of potential there, and he was hot stuff!
Then we had a daughter... and another daughter... and another!
And each time, I was like, "Don't go out in public holding that baby because the ladies are going to be all up in your grill!"
In September, while we were trucking our children around Las Vegas, there were several moments where I trailed behind and watched a scene just like this one:
That, my friends, is my husband, and he is amazing and four times as handsome as he was the day I married him.
Fatherhood looks good on him!
Fathers have a great influence on children and families. Jewish philosopher, Ambraham Hechel, identified fathers as teachers and holy figures in the lives of their children (Brotherson, 2012). That's a pretty heavy role to play in the life of another human being, and yet, it is such a honorable, sacred opportunity.
Good fathering doesn't simply impact your own children - it trickles down through posterity. John Snarey, author of How Fathers Care for the Next Generation said, "Good fathering, it seems, really does matter. It matters over a lifetime, and even over generations" (1993). That statement was the summary of a multi-decade research project that Snarey conducted on the contributions of fathers to children (Brotherson, 2012).
Children benefit greatly from having involved fathers who interact positively with them. This connection affects their cognitive development, their social competence, and their empathy (Brotherson, 2012). According to a report by the Fatherhood Institute, positive father involvement is associated with better peer relationships, fewer behavioral problems, lower criminality and substance abuse, higher educational/occupational mobility, more satisfying adult relationships, and higher self-esteem and life satisfaction (Maxfield, 2011) .The benefits are even greater when the father interacts positively with the mother, whether they are married to each other or not (Holmes, 2007).
Being a father involves many important principles, a few of which I'll touch on and refer to as The "4 P's" of Fatherhood.
The first is PRESIDING. This is a term that is very common in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Merriam-Webster defines preside as "to be in charge of something." From that definition, it's easy to mistake presiding as being "the boss" or practicing dominion.
Presiding is a responsibility that goes far beyond power and control. They key words from The Family: A Proclamation to the World are "love and righteousness." A father is to be a spiritual leader in the home "through the gentle application of love and the consistent example of spiritual attentiveness..." (Brotherson, 2012).
In the Parenting and Child Guidance class I'm taking, we're reading a book called The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting. I have been pondering frequently over this statement, "Your authority over your child should be grounded in your experience, your knowledge, and your judgment, not in your power. Your child should respect you because you are the parent, but obey you because you are correct" (Steinberg, 2004). I think that statement is applicable to a father responsibility to preside in the family. A father (and likewise, a mother) should guide children with experience, knowledge, and good judgement, resulting in teaching good principles. We are meant to lead our children in a manner that helps them learn right from wrong. Parenting (and presiding) is not a power trip to be abused.
The next "P" is PARTNERING. Parenthood is a partnership (Brotherson, 2012). We've all heard the old phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child." I am constantly in awe at my own amazing village. My children have wonderful, involved grandparents who help us so much. They have aunts, uncles, and cousins... teachers and scout leaders... doctors and neighbors... and let's not forget God.
For fathers, being aware of these relationships is very important. Not only is a father a partner with the mother of the children, but a partner with all other involved parties. A fundamental principle in fathering is to partner with others in a broad system of relationships in raising a child (Brotherson, 2012).
Fathering thrives when it is supported by local and spiritual communities and men link themselves in partnership with those communities. Fathers and their children benefit as linkages are built between fathers and mentors, teachers, and others to facilitate healthy outcomes for children. Community institutions ranging from educational institutions to the business community can act in ways that support responsible fatherhood (Brotherson, 2012).
The next principle is PROVIDING. We have material needs, and in our modern culture, there are a lot of demands placed on families, both in the marketplace and in the home. The proclamation states that "parents are to provide for [the children's] physical and spiritual needs." To provide in fathering includes "meeting children's needs and offering opportunities for their development, as well as dedicating one's time, energy, and resources for the benefit of the next generation" (Brotherson, 2012).
Often, providing is thought of as solely a "breadwinner" role, but it goes far beyond that. A father should contribute to the family's resources, but a father needs to provide a lot more than monetary contributions. A father should also provide time, emotional support, spiritual and secular learning opportunities, and encouragement. A father needs to "act on the obligation to be there for [his] children with [his] physical presence and availability, mental awareness and engagement, and practical involvement in their lives and activities" (Brotherson, 2012).
The last "P" is PROTECTING. Children come into this world and face challenges, confusion, and risks. A primary task for fathers is to prepare children over time for the world they will have to face as they grow. Fathers need to help children develop the skills they will need to manage life's challenges (Brotherson, 2012).
Research on fathering generally agrees that fathers "play the role that encourages the child to push, explore, and take more risks in order to grow" (Hall, 2007). Think of a dad tossing a baby in the air. It may seem like it's all in the interest of having fun, but the dad is actually helping the baby develop motor skills and learn to take physical risks. They way fathers physically play with their children helps them become more comfortable with new experiences and become better able to handle challenges in life, physical or otherwise (Maxfield, 2011).
I know that not every experience with fatherhood is a positive one, and my heart goes out to those who haven't had the opportunity to be raised by an involved father or to partner with an involved father in raising children. I know there are many capable, loving mothers who are successfully parenting on their own, and I know there are many fantastic dads who have passed on all too soon. Even so, if I could give the world a gift, I'd give everyone a father. A good one. Fortunately, we all have the ultimate father, a Heavenly Father.
Fatherhood looks good on him!
Fathers have a great influence on children and families. Jewish philosopher, Ambraham Hechel, identified fathers as teachers and holy figures in the lives of their children (Brotherson, 2012). That's a pretty heavy role to play in the life of another human being, and yet, it is such a honorable, sacred opportunity.
Good fathering doesn't simply impact your own children - it trickles down through posterity. John Snarey, author of How Fathers Care for the Next Generation said, "Good fathering, it seems, really does matter. It matters over a lifetime, and even over generations" (1993). That statement was the summary of a multi-decade research project that Snarey conducted on the contributions of fathers to children (Brotherson, 2012).
Children benefit greatly from having involved fathers who interact positively with them. This connection affects their cognitive development, their social competence, and their empathy (Brotherson, 2012). According to a report by the Fatherhood Institute, positive father involvement is associated with better peer relationships, fewer behavioral problems, lower criminality and substance abuse, higher educational/occupational mobility, more satisfying adult relationships, and higher self-esteem and life satisfaction (Maxfield, 2011) .The benefits are even greater when the father interacts positively with the mother, whether they are married to each other or not (Holmes, 2007).
Being a father involves many important principles, a few of which I'll touch on and refer to as The "4 P's" of Fatherhood.
The first is PRESIDING. This is a term that is very common in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Merriam-Webster defines preside as "to be in charge of something." From that definition, it's easy to mistake presiding as being "the boss" or practicing dominion.
Presiding is a responsibility that goes far beyond power and control. They key words from The Family: A Proclamation to the World are "love and righteousness." A father is to be a spiritual leader in the home "through the gentle application of love and the consistent example of spiritual attentiveness..." (Brotherson, 2012).
In the Parenting and Child Guidance class I'm taking, we're reading a book called The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting. I have been pondering frequently over this statement, "Your authority over your child should be grounded in your experience, your knowledge, and your judgment, not in your power. Your child should respect you because you are the parent, but obey you because you are correct" (Steinberg, 2004). I think that statement is applicable to a father responsibility to preside in the family. A father (and likewise, a mother) should guide children with experience, knowledge, and good judgement, resulting in teaching good principles. We are meant to lead our children in a manner that helps them learn right from wrong. Parenting (and presiding) is not a power trip to be abused.
The next "P" is PARTNERING. Parenthood is a partnership (Brotherson, 2012). We've all heard the old phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child." I am constantly in awe at my own amazing village. My children have wonderful, involved grandparents who help us so much. They have aunts, uncles, and cousins... teachers and scout leaders... doctors and neighbors... and let's not forget God.
For fathers, being aware of these relationships is very important. Not only is a father a partner with the mother of the children, but a partner with all other involved parties. A fundamental principle in fathering is to partner with others in a broad system of relationships in raising a child (Brotherson, 2012).
Fathering thrives when it is supported by local and spiritual communities and men link themselves in partnership with those communities. Fathers and their children benefit as linkages are built between fathers and mentors, teachers, and others to facilitate healthy outcomes for children. Community institutions ranging from educational institutions to the business community can act in ways that support responsible fatherhood (Brotherson, 2012).
The next principle is PROVIDING. We have material needs, and in our modern culture, there are a lot of demands placed on families, both in the marketplace and in the home. The proclamation states that "parents are to provide for [the children's] physical and spiritual needs." To provide in fathering includes "meeting children's needs and offering opportunities for their development, as well as dedicating one's time, energy, and resources for the benefit of the next generation" (Brotherson, 2012).
Often, providing is thought of as solely a "breadwinner" role, but it goes far beyond that. A father should contribute to the family's resources, but a father needs to provide a lot more than monetary contributions. A father should also provide time, emotional support, spiritual and secular learning opportunities, and encouragement. A father needs to "act on the obligation to be there for [his] children with [his] physical presence and availability, mental awareness and engagement, and practical involvement in their lives and activities" (Brotherson, 2012).
The last "P" is PROTECTING. Children come into this world and face challenges, confusion, and risks. A primary task for fathers is to prepare children over time for the world they will have to face as they grow. Fathers need to help children develop the skills they will need to manage life's challenges (Brotherson, 2012).
Research on fathering generally agrees that fathers "play the role that encourages the child to push, explore, and take more risks in order to grow" (Hall, 2007). Think of a dad tossing a baby in the air. It may seem like it's all in the interest of having fun, but the dad is actually helping the baby develop motor skills and learn to take physical risks. They way fathers physically play with their children helps them become more comfortable with new experiences and become better able to handle challenges in life, physical or otherwise (Maxfield, 2011).
I know that not every experience with fatherhood is a positive one, and my heart goes out to those who haven't had the opportunity to be raised by an involved father or to partner with an involved father in raising children. I know there are many capable, loving mothers who are successfully parenting on their own, and I know there are many fantastic dads who have passed on all too soon. Even so, if I could give the world a gift, I'd give everyone a father. A good one. Fortunately, we all have the ultimate father, a Heavenly Father.
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This post was inspired by "Honor Thy Father: Key Principles and Practices in Fathering," by Sean E. Brotherson published in Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, 2012. This piece of writing is part of my Family Proclamation project for FAML 100 at Brigham Young University Idaho.
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