In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the term "family council" is thrown around here and there, but the concept, as a whole, is a little bit vague. Elder Ballard said, "Whenever there are two or more members of family together and a discussion is going on, that is a council." That definition, while true, is a little bit broad. There are other quotes by authorities that suggest that councils should be more formal than just a discussion between two or more people, for instance, President Ezra Taft Benson said, "By encouraging parents to hold family councils, we imitate in our homes a heavenly pattern." (Ensign, May 1979). That quote tells me two things:
1. We are encouraged to hold family councils.
2. Those councils should follow some sort of pattern.
As we have worked on our own family councils, I have turned to two main sources for guidance. The first is Counseling with our Counsels by Elder M. Russell Ballard. This book is commonly implemented in the councils of the Church. It is a great resource for ward councils and presidencies. It, obviously, takes a religious approach to councils.
The other source is the book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed. D. This is a non-religious resource, and in this book, a family council is called a "family meeting."
It's important to note that family councils do not have to be religious. As an LDS family, our meetings naturally take on some spirituality, but family councils can be implemented in ways that are not religious as well. So as you read on, just know that much of the information I present will be on the religious approach to family councils, but you can easily adapt your councils to not be religious.
Since President Benson suggested that family councils are based a "heavenly pattern," one of the best ways to see what that heavenly pattern might be is to look at the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. In Counseling with our Councils, Ballard outlined what a council looks like for this group of 15 Church leaders:
They meet somewhere sacred. Their sacred place is the temple. A family council generally takes place in a home, which can (and should) also be a sacred place. Dr. Nelsen recommends havig family meetings at the kitchen table to help keep everyone on task.
They meet regularly. It's important to be consistent and to set aside a day and time. This prevents councils from being rushed or pushed aside for other things. Positive Discipline recommends once a week, and that is what my family currently does, but I think they can just as easily be held once a month, if that works better for your circumstances.
They express love for one another. They shake hands or hug, ask about each other's wives and families, and show a genuine interest in one another's well-being. Positive Discipline suggests taking time to do "compliments" or "gratitudes." Each member of the family takes a turn complimenting other members of the family or saying something they are grateful for.
They open with a prayer. This is a great way to get everyone focused and on track. It also invites the Spirit and sets the tone for unity.
They work from an agenda. The agenda is most often given to everyone early so they have time to study the topics and come prepared with their input. Family meetings in Positive Discipline are also based on an agenda. The agenda is formed throughout the week as the family identifies things they need to discuss together (usually added to a list on the fridge throughout the week).
They take turns speaking. This is an obvious factor in any successful meeting. Positive Discipline recommends using a "talking stick." We don't use a talking stick in my family, but it is important to make sure that everyone's input is given and considered, so there might come a day when we need a talking stick (I'm hoping not, though. I don't want to keep track of a stick).
They close with a prayer.
And last of all...
They have refreshments. The act of "breaking bread" together is an ancient tradition of showing hospitality and protection to a guest. It symbolizes a commitment to each other. How very appropriate for a family council!
I think these are wonderful elements to consider when developing your own family council, however, every family has different needs, so no council should be expected to look the same from family to family.
I have found that counseling together as a family is a learned process. We have successes and failures. My kids are still quite young, so sometimes having a council feels completely pointless. Actually, most times, having a council feels completely pointless - there is so much chaos involved - but I feel like there is great value in developing this process while the kids are young. Someday their problems are going to go far beyond the inability to fold and put away their own underwear, and I hope that when that day comes, we'll have established a pattern of communication and trust that will aid us in tackling those greater challenges.
One of the main purposes of a council is to make decisions. Elder Ballard said, "It has never been God's intention that His children should stand alone in important decisions and responsibilities." In family councils, families can discuss things such as discipline, money, and solutions to problems. A family council is also a great place to talk about goals. One of the most important things we do in our family councils is go over the calendar for the week. This is of great importance to Nicky who wants to know what's going on every minute of every day.
Implementing a family council can seem daunting, especially if you have older children, but there are some great incentives for giving it a try. According to Jane Nelsen, the author of Positive Discipline, family meetings help develop life skills such as listening, cooperation, mutual respect, and brainstorming (read more here). One of my personal reasons for having family councils is because making decisions as a family promotes greater family resilience (more on that to come).
Here is some additional information about family councils (or family meetings) that can help you develop your own pattern of family decision making:
Religious Resources
"Support Your Local Family Council" by Rex W. Allred
"Today's Family: Blessings Come through Family Councils"
Mormon Channel: Family Councils Part I
Mormon Channel: Family Councils Part II
Non-Religious Resources
"10 Tips for Holding a Family Meeting" by Barton Goldsmith, Ph. D
"Family Meetings" by Dr. Jane Nelsen
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