A Time to Create

Lately I've been working on a little project.

I won't go into the details of said project right now because I'll probably write a post about it when it's done, but it involves large pieces of paper, a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird, and glue.

Lots of glue.

Anyway, for a brief time, I have been able to be

CREATIVE.

Creativity used to be very important to me. I used to devote a significant portion of my life to projects of all kinds. I used to decorate.  I used to paint and sew. I used to renovate furniture and make clothes. I planned parties and designed centerpieces.  I even took pictures with a real camera in aperture priority mode.

Heck, I used to write.

(And I did it all before Pinterest existed).

I don't do any of that anymore. In fact, the project I have been working on is nothing like any of those things I used to do.

But still...

As I've been cutting, gluing, and creating, I've realized how much I have changed in the past few years, and not necessarily willingly.

I've had to set all of the creative things that used to fulfill me aside so I can keep afloat in my daily life. With three children at my heels, those things are too difficult now. It would require boarding school tuition for two and a large kennel to allow me to do those things.

I don't think it's a bad thing that I spend less time on projects these days - I probably spent too much time on them in Nicky's younger years - but I kind of miss having some skills. I used to be able to bake a pretty decent load of bread, craft a meaningful birthday card, or stitch a throw pillow at the drop of a hat. Now if you ask me to do any of those things, I feel overwhelmed and panicky because I can't manage my time well enough to let the bread rise, the kids have used all of my paper supplies to make sail boats, and I can't find a needle in my house if my life depends on it.

I hope that someday I can find something to be good at again. I know that sounds melodramatic, but the things I'm investing my time in right now are things that I'm not great at. Everything I accomplish lately is done by the skin of my teeth. I miss the feeling of doing something well rather than doing something well enough.

Now, I hope you're not reading this in a voice that makes me sound whiny and pathetic. If so, change your tone to something a little more optimistic, but analytical.

Even though I am struggling a little bit with my current situation, I have no doubt that there is something creative happening behind the scenes - it's just not my time to be creative. Rather it is my Heavenly Father molding me and shaping me into something better. He has pushed me to change my priorities. He has allowed me to fail. He has put me in places where I am not the best and where I do not shine.

He has urged me out of my comfort zone, and while it is a hard place to be, I think there will be progress here.