I sliced my finger and ate diaper rash cream

Story #1: Wherein I Cut My Finger

The other night, I was in my basement getting a jar of beans when suddenly, I made some random upward movement with my hand. I don't really know what happened, but I hit my hand on a shelf and cut my finger.

It was a little cut, or so I thought.

When I got upstairs, I looked down and realized it was actually a flap of skin under which blood was pooling quite heavily.

Dinner was on the stove, and I had :08 left on the timer, so I had to ignore the blood and do some stirring. I held my finger in the air while maneuvering the spoon around the pan, and then I started wondering if I was in shock. I glimpsed at my kids, pondering who would be capable of administering a blanch test, but then I realized that if I was thinking about blanch tests, I probably wasn't in shock.

That's always a plus.

Story #2: Wherein My Baby Has a Diaper Rash

The night before I cut my finger, Zoe had pooped herself in her crib. Being the mean mom that I am, I let her cry herself back to sleep, completely oblivious to "the situation." It took about an hour for her to stop crying and fall asleep, and she did this about three times.

In the morning, when I figured out she was poopy, I felt horrible. This, of course, resulted in a nasty diaper rash.

Bad mommy!

I know!

(Horrible)

We were out of diaper rash cream, so I went and bought a brand spankin' new tube of Butt Paste.

Story #3: Wherein Two Stories Become One

So there I was with a recently cut finger. The Bandaid I had eventually put on was full of blood, but the bleeding had stopped, so I took it off. I had just bathed Zoe and lathered her up in Aveeno to help with her eczema.

I grabbed the new tube of Butt Paste and took off the lid. There was foil covering the opening of the tube, so I gripped the tab with my slippery Aveeno fingers and tried to remove it. No luck. Being the problem solver that I am, I immediately positioned the foil tab between my teeth and pulled.

You know how hindsight is 20/20?

Now I can see perfectly that the tube was going to explode in my mouth.

Needless to say, I had to apply the cream to my baby's bum while trying very hard to not taste the portion that was caked on the inside of my lips.

After the application, I needed to get the excess cream off my fingers so I could finish fastening the diaper, so I used the bath towel to give my fingers a firm swipe.

Remember how hindsight is 20/20?

Now I can see perfectly that running my cut finger through a towel would remove the skin flap and cause blood to gush everywhere.

This?

Is an allegory of my life right now - one chaotic moment leading to another then overlapping with exploding Butt Paste and gushing blood.

Open jar of mayo falling off the counter, son putting fist through big screen TV while playing Wii, baby emptying utensil drawer...

Blood.

Guts.

Messes galore.

I live in fear that my life will never have smooth moments again.